I had a very interesting experience yesterday and today that ended up really touching my heart. I have been hanging out in James 1 and the wrestling human heart. It’s the thought that we face difficulties, trials, temptations, etc. and have to wrestle with still seeing God loving us when we are acting like a ‘beast’ (Ps. 73: 21-22). Can God still love me when I am manifesting my weaknesses? Can he still love me when I am a beast, vexed with the war in the arena of my heart?
So I was on a ministry trip to the Gulf Coast of the US. I was in three states (Mississippi, Alabama, Florida) in three days. My return trip started in Pensacola, FL; through Houston and on home to KC. I was dropped off at 3pm and my journey finished at 12:30pm the next day in KC. The trip home was like a Hollywood movie of anything and everything that could go wrong. It was classic! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you so I won’t bore you with the details, just trust me it was awesome!
As I was flying home, I started to ‘dial down’ my heart and just pray. In my mind I started to re-live the last 20 hours and the Lord showed me something very powerful. He opened a window of understanding to me of the depths of human nature and it’s extreme inability, dislike and distaste for appearing and being weak. I was allowed to see the reactions to delays, cancellations, changed plans, etc. and what people do to deal with them.
There were angry violent outbursts. Shouting, screaming. There were some who went to the bar and just started to drink. One of them drank more on the plane and by the time we landed in Houston, was eventually escorted by three city police officers to his hotel for the night – the city drunk tank downtown. I saw young parents trying to deal with a very tired and upset little daughter to keep her from screaming so loud you thought the windows on the airplane would break. I mean this kid would find a job at the New York Opera as a soprano – and make a living! What I was most proud of was that the parents weren’t shouting at one another.
I am trying to describe a moment that you have to feel. I was re-living this and suddenly realized all the ways that we try to numb the weakness of the moments in life when we cannot be in control of our destiny. When we just have to ride it out, how do we do that and love God when it’s over? I saw every minute area we seek to help ourselves through difficult circumstances that do not include God. I saw the things we turn to instead of Jesus and how weak that is; I saw the weakness of the human heart to the uttermost I could and I was undone. It was so overwhelming! I saw no place where we don’t need Jesus to help us. Some turned to alcohol, many turned to food, many turned to books, many turned to anger, complaining and arguing, many turned to so many other things and I didn’t see any that turned to Jesus.
As I pondered this seeing the weakness of my human heart, and the weak ways we try to gain strength, I considered Ps. 73: 21-22.
My heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind. I was foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before you.
I saw the beast of the human heart and realized that the love of God is actually very amazing. How he turns the human wrestling match into a love affair with him is absolutely incredible and brilliant. How he does it and why he does it; Oh my friends, if we touch that, everything will change inside.
Here’s my final thought and I’ll leave it like a question. Imagine the worst day of failure and pressure you’ve faced. I mean the day you blew it and were fighting hard against shame, condemnation, and disqualification. Are you there? Can you imagine the thoughts you had about yourself and what you thought God thought of you at that moment? So here’s the question…..
God, can you love me when I am vexed like a beast? Because if you can, I will give you everything!
